Staying Child-Centered Under Pressure

The Pressure to "Do Something"

When you're first starting to practice the child-centered approach, one of the hardest moments is when your child hurts or upsets another child. You know that feeling... when you're on the playground, something major happens, and your child needs your help to co-regulate. You know precisely what you should do, yet you feel the cold, pregnant stare of the other parent as they wait for you to make your child apologize. 

That parent has no idea that forced apologies don't help a child develop a sense of empathy. That parent doesn't understand that a dysregulated brain can't listen or communicate well. That parent doesn't know that your child's nervous system is in protection mode and that before they can take responsibility, they need to feel safe again.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!

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Step One: Remember What Matters Most

Your job is not to manage another parent’s feelings. Your job is to help your child come back to calm.
Only then can you guide them toward understanding and repair. Remind yourself:

       “I can’t teach until my child feels safe.”

A dysregulated brain cannot process lessons or empathy. Helping a child calm down is the first step toward genuine repair later.

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Step Two: Stay Calm and Use Grounded Language

When emotions are high and someone is watching, a simple, steady phrase can signal both accountability and calm:

“I can see this was upsetting for both kids. I’m going to help my child calm their body first so we can talk about what happened.”

“Thank you for letting me know. I want to make sure my child’s ready to listen before we talk about it.”

These statements communicate responsibility and understanding. You’re showing that you take it seriously without rushing your child into an empty apology they don’t yet have the capacity to give.

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Step Three: Regulate, Then Repair

Once your child’s body has settled, you can guide repair. Look for slower breathing, soft eyes, and a calm voice. You might gently say:

“You felt hurt when he skipped the line in front of you, and he's sad that you pushed him.  What could you do to help him feel better?”

That could be a verbal apology, a drawing, or an invitation to play again. The important thing is that the repair comes from a place of regulation, not fear or shame.

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Step Four: Advocate for the Approach

Later, if you sense tension or judgment from another parent, you can briefly explain your philosophy without sounding defensive:

“We’ve been learning that kids can’t really learn from a situation until they’re calm, so I focus on helping them regulate first.”

This helps normalize what you’re doing and models emotional literacy for the other parent, too. It’s amazing how often this leads to curiosity rather than criticism.

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Step Five: Trust the Process

It’s uncomfortable at first, standing in that social pressure while you stay attuned to your child’s nervous system. But over time, other parents will start to notice that your child’s repairs are genuine. They'll begin to trust that your calm presence is doing something very powerful.

What your child will learn when connection comes before correction is that they can take responsibility from a place of understanding, not fear or coercion. 

Tiny Takeaways - The Power of "I choose"

One of my favorite tools is "I choose..." 

It’s simple and it works!

In the playroom, I will call a timeout if I need a break. Kids will often hear me say, "I'm an old lady, I choose to take a break and get a sip of water." This models healthy boundary-setting and lets them know that:

• Grownups have needs too 
• It’s okay to take care of yourself 
• Boundaries can sound kind and clear 

This is especially helpful for our kids who are sensitive to rejection!

Even better, invite your child to try it. When they’re struggling or stuck, you can offer:

• “You get to choose. Do you want to build with blocks or color?”
• “It’s okay to say, ‘I choose to play by myself right now.’”
• “If you don’t want a hug, you can say, ‘I choose a high-five instead.’”

It gives kids a sense of agency, helps them listen to their own voice, and is one of the basic building blocks of self-advocacy. 

Try this:

Practice using “I choose” to name small boundaries or preferences. Let your child hear you do it, then invite them to try it too!

Tiny Takeaways - Creating a Felt Sense of Love

One of the main principles of Child Centered Play Therapy is that kids are not rational, logical, or verbal. Kids live in their feelings! The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that handles language and big ideas, is still growing. That means when you say “I love you,” your child hears it, but the words don’t always sink in on their own.

What makes love real for kids is the everyday moments when they feel safe, warm, and connected. You can help your child link those feelings to the idea of being loved by naming them out loud:

• “You feel loved when I let you choose.”
• “You feel so loved when I tuck you in and sing your favorite song.”
• “You feel loved when I play Minecraft with you.”
• "You feel loved when I brush your hair."

Try it tonight: notice one small moment of connection and name it. Watch your child’s face as the feeling of love lands.

Let delight lead the way!

Co-Creating Self-Esteem

Kids are not born with self-esteem. Like language, self-esteem is co-created over time. It grows when a child's strengths, positive traits, and goodness are reflected back to them by the people in their lives. 

Think of it like a mirror. Every time you reflect your child’s feelings, qualities, and actions back to them, you are shaping how they see themselves. When you respond with encouragement and praise, that mirror tells them: You matter. You are capable. You are loved. When responses lean toward correction, criticism, or shame, a child begins to doubt their worth.

One of the biggest challenges to the co-creation of self-esteem today is that our villages are smaller and more spread out than ever. Many families live far from extended relatives. Communities are less connected than they were in the past. Teachers often carry the weight of large classrooms. Parents are balancing work, home, and endless responsibilities with little support. The quantity and quality of esteem-building reflections are impacted when so few people are trying to do so much.

Today in group, a parent asked, "What's the best thing we can do to help build our child's self-esteem, and how can we encourage family members and teachers to help us improve our child's self-esteem?" What a great question! Of course, as a play therapist, I replied with, "Well, Special Playtime is the single best thing you can do at home and that helps with self-esteem and more!" But we brainstormed some other ways to get the rest of the village involved. 

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How to Encourage Friends and Family to Support the Development of Self-Esteem

When you talk with grandparents, relatives, or friends, you can gently encourage them to:

• Notice the good. Remind them to name specific acts of kindness, persistence, or effort: “You kept trying when that was tricky.”

• Reflect feelings. Suggest that they mirror back emotions without judgment: “You're proud of your drawing,” or “That was disappointing.”

• Celebrate individuality. Invite them to point out unique qualities: “You have such a creative brain,” or “I love how curious you are.”

• Offer responsibility. Encourage them to trust your child with small tasks such as helping in the kitchen or caring for a pet. These opportunities say “I trust you.”

• Stay present. Remind them that even a few moments of undivided attention, with eye contact, listening, or play, show your child they are worth someone’s time.

• Model self-kindness. Let them know that when adults are gentle with themselves after mistakes, children learn to treat themselves with that same compassion.

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What to Advocate for at School

You can also work with teachers and staff to support self-esteem in the classroom by asking them to:

• Encourage effort. Highlight persistence and progress rather than only praising outcomes.

• Use specific praise. Move beyond “good job” and instead name exactly what the child did well.

• Offer participation. Provide small classroom roles such as passing out papers or helping with supplies so the child feels included.

• Redirect privately. Give corrections quietly and respectfully so the child does not feel shamed in front of peers.

• Build connection moments. Use small gestures such as eye contact, a smile, or greeting a child by name to help them feel seen and valued.

• Celebrate individuality. Recognize different learning styles, personalities, and strengths as a normal and positive part of classroom culture.

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Delight in This

It is an incredible honor to be part of how a child comes to see themselves. Each reflection you give them shapes the story they carry about who they are and what they are capable of. When we keep this in mind, it creates space for more of the gentle, encouraging interactions kids need. Especially kids who struggle, push boundaries, or face challenges, whose brains are asking the question: Am I good enough? Am I worthy?

Every moment of presence, every reflection of their strengths, every reminder that they are loved helps them answer yes. And in those yeses grows a confident sense of self. 

Busy Brains at Bedtime - Skills for Sleep Struggles

For some kids, bedtime is not peaceful. It can feel like a battlefield of busy thoughts, restlessness, and big feelings. While many children fall asleep with ease, others struggle, and the reasons can be complex.

Why Some Brains Struggle at Night

• Anxiety
  Worries have a way of getting louder when the world is quiet. Kids may replay the day in their minds or imagine scary “what ifs.”

• ADHD
  Many ADHD brains are “night owls.” Their alertness peaks just as the rest of the world is winding down. ADHD also affects melatonin production, making it harder to fall asleep naturally.

• Sensory Processing
  Some kids are hyperaware of pajamas, sheets, noises, or light. What feels cozy to one child may feel unbearable to another. 

• Other Factors
  Stress, trauma, and even certain medications can make sleep harder.

No matter the cause, learning how to calm down and fall asleep independently is one of the most important skills a child can build.

The Importance of Self-Soothing

Self-soothing means having tools to calm your body and mind without needing someone else to do it for you. When kids do not develop this skill early, it can be harder later to break habits like co-sleeping or needing a parent to stay in the room.

Infants and toddlers begin experimenting with self-soothing around 6 to 12 months with thumb sucking or holding a blanket. Preschoolers often test bedtime boundaries and may show new fears or resistance between ages 3 and 5. Elementary years, ages 5 to 10, are prime for learning independent sleep skills. By the time children reach 10 and beyond, habits like co-sleeping can be very hard to shift.

Parents can still help. Co-regulating with tools such as sitting with your child while guiding them through relaxation strategies is a powerful way to teach. The key is to make it intentional. The long-term goal is for your child to pick up those tools on their own and use them to self-regulate.

Helpful Tools for Co-Regulating

Meditation and Breathwork to Calm the Nervous System

Meditation doesn't have to be complicated. For kids, it often works best when it is playful, short, and guided. 

Try these delightful approaches:

• Breathing Buddies
  Have your child lie down with a stuffed animal on their belly. As they breathe in and out, the animal goes for a "ride." This teaches deep belly breathing in a fun, visual way.

• Five-Finger Breathing
  Show your child how to trace their fingers slowly. Breathe in as they move up one finger, and out as they move down. It is a simple trick that gives them something to do while breathing deeply.

• Guided Meditations
  Look for meditations designed specifically for children. These can be found in books, flash cards, podcasts, or apps. Choose meditations that are short, gentle, and soothing, with calm voices and simple imagery. 

• Magic Color Breathing
  Invite your child to imagine a calming color coming in with their breath, and a yucky or stressful color leaving as they breathe out. This visualization helps kids connect breath with emotional release.

Keep meditations short at first. Just two or three minutes is plenty. What matters most is building comfort and routine. Over time, these tools become part of their wind-down process.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This is a powerful tool for calming the body, especially when kids feel restless or wiggly at bedtime. Help your child focus on one part of their body at a time.

Be creative and engage as many senses as you can:

• "Imagine you work in a lemonade factory. To squeeze the lemons, you have to use different parts of your body. Start with your hands and squeeze the lemons tight. Can you smell how fresh and yummy they are? Now use the inside of your elbows. Press them in like lemon smashers. Behind your knees, twist and squeeze like you're juicing with your legs. See how many different ways you can squeeze. Now the work is done, and it's time to relax. Let your whole body go soft like a lemon that’s been completely squished."

• "Pretend your body is made of ice. Every part is frozen and tight. Squeeze your shoulders like they are blocks of ice. Clench your fists, freeze your legs, even your eyebrows. Hold it... frozen solid. Now the sun comes out. You are melting into a puddle. Let your body get soft and drippy. Your arms are puddles. Your legs are puddles. Your tummy is mushy and relaxed."

• "What if you were a robot that got left out in the rain? You're all rusty and stuck. Let me see if I can get you moving again." Have your child resist as you try moving different body parts. "Looks like I'm going to have to get the oil can." Pretend to oil up your robot and encourage your kid to be super floppy now... "Oops, I used too much!"

These progressive body scans teach body awareness and help release hidden tension. It also gives your child something concrete to focus on when their thoughts feel scattered.

Changing the Channel

When anxious or intrusive thoughts pop up at bedtime, kids often feel stuck with them. Remind your child, "Bedtime is not a time for thinking about worries. It's a time to prepare your brain for sweet dreams." (You can set aside a brief time for that earlier in the day if necessary.) Teaching a child how to change the channel in their mind gives them a sense of control.

Try adding one of these to your bedtime routine:

• "Pretend you have a remote control for your brain. Tell me about your favorite channels." You might need to give some examples of your own favorite channels, "I love the cooking channel, the Alaskan Cruise that we went on last year channel, and the Saturday morning cuddling in bed with you and Daddy channel."

• Invite them to build a magical dream story together, like flying on a dragon or visiting a land made out of candy and treats. "What do you wish you could dream about tonight? Let's close our eyes and imagine it together."

• Keep a happy memory jar by the bed and pull one out at bedtime. "Let's close our eyes and see how much we can remember about it. I loved how the sea smelled. The water was so warm, and the beach towels were so fluffy. It feels like I'm really there!"

The goal is to gently guide the brain toward safety and calm.

Best Practices for Sleep Hygiene

Healthy sleep habits are just as important as relaxation tools. A few essentials include:

• Limit Screen Time
  Try to avoid electronics 1–2 hours before bed. Blue light delays melatonin release and keeps the brain alert. Media with slow content (like a documentary) is better than dopamine-pumping games or fast-paced YouTube videos. Screens that are farther away (like the television) have less of a disruptive impact than screens that are up close (game consoles and tablets).

• Consistent Routines
  A predictable bedtime routine signals the body that it’s time to rest. Our neurodiverse kids thrive on predictability and routine. Don't underestimate the power of having a visual schedule to follow in the evening.

• Comfortable Environment
  Cool, dark, and quiet rooms help most kids settle. Weighted blankets, body socks, or white noise machines may support sensory-sensitive children. Note that the circadian rhythm begins with exposure to sunlight in the morning, which tells the brain that it's time to be alert and triggers the release of melatonin approximately 12 hours later. Folks in areas that don't get much sunlight might benefit from a wake-up or sunrise lamp, which can help mimic morning light and support the sleep–wake cycle.

• Physical Activity
  Daily movement that gets the heart pumping helps regulate sleep. But if it happens too close to bedtime, it might be overstimulating.

A Note on Melatonin

Melatonin has been a game changer for so many families. It's safe and effective for short-term use and can help with the transition into healthier sleep habits. Some kids (with ADHD, especially) may benefit from longer-term use. Always check with your pediatrician to see if melatonin would benefit your child.

Delight in This

Busy brains need intentional support at bedtime. By starting with co-regulation, introducing calming tools, and practicing healthy routines, you can help your child gradually master the skill of self-soothing. This is one of the best gifts you can give for a lifetime of restful sleep.

Drop the Rope - Choosing Connection and Safety over Conflict after Divorce

Parents often have kids start therapy after divorce with the best intentions. They want to ease the transition, protect their child, and give them a safe place to work through big feelings. However, even with the best of intentions, the conflict between parents can spill into the therapy process.

When children are coached on what to say, pressed to share what happened in session, or caught in the middle of one parent’s concerns about the other, the healing space begins to feel like another battleground.

Child Centered Play Therapy is most effective when the focus stays on the child. In play, children show what their brains aren't ready to explain in words. Therapy becomes a protective factor because it offers safety, consistency, and freedom from the tug of parental conflict. For this to happen, parents must be willing to drop the rope and let therapy be a place of connection rather than competition.

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What Helps Children Heal

Most of us know that the prefrontal cortex starts to develop around puberty and will continue growing into adulthood. Because of this, children will process their experiences differently from adults. They can't sit down and talk through their feelings. Instead, they use play to show what is happening inside. A therapist’s role is to be present, provide reflections that build an emotional vocabulary, and create a safe environment where a child's brain can turn off the alarms that get triggered by change and conflict.

Parents can strengthen this process by trusting that their child will bring what matters most into the playroom. There is no need to coach or guide them. Children naturally reveal their worries, fears, and hopes when they feel safe and unpressured.

Another important part of the healing process is consistency. Keeping regular sessions, showing up for parent meetings, and supporting therapy goals all create a sense of stability. Divorce is already a major change in a child’s life. The predictability of therapy can anchor them during this time.

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What Gets in the Way

When therapy becomes another arena for conflict, children lose the sense of safety they need most. Common pitfalls include:

• Coaching a child about what to say or not say in session

• Asking a child to report what they talked about after the session

• Communication outside of parent meetings that influence the therapist's view of another parent

• Bringing long lists of grievances to parent meetings instead of focusing on treatment goals

These patterns increase pressure on the child and can make them feel torn between parents. Over time, the therapy space can start to feel like yet another place where they must choose sides.

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Why Both Parents Matter

Even when parents have deep frustrations with one another, research consistently shows that children do best when they are able to maintain safe, meaningful relationships with both parents. Studies have found that children are more resilient when both parents remain involved and when ongoing conflict is kept to a minimum.

High conflict after divorce is linked to greater risks for anxiety, depression, and behavioral struggles. On the other hand, children with parents who cooperate and respect each other’s roles are more likely to thrive emotionally, socially, and academically.

This does not mean that parents must agree on everything. It means that children need to feel loved and supported by both, without being caught in the middle of the fight.

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How Therapy Serves as a Protective Factor

Divorce itself can be traumatic for children. It involves loss, change, and uncertainty. What makes the impact worse is when the conflict continues. In these situations, the trauma does not end with the separation. It becomes chronic. 

Child Centered Play Therapy can interrupt that cycle. In the playroom, children have the freedom to express sadness, fear, or loyalty conflicts without judgment. The therapist provides stability, consistency, and attunement. Through play, children release feelings they may not yet have words for and begin to rebuild a sense of safety.

For this to work, parents need to protect the therapy space from conflict. When they step back and trust the process, therapy becomes a buffer against the stress of divorce. It helps children adjust, find their voice, and strengthen their ability to cope.

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Dropping the Rope in Everyday Life

Dropping the rope means choosing connection over conflict. Parents can practice this by:

• Trusting the therapist to guide the process and letting the child lead in play

• Supporting therapy goals during parent meetings rather than focusing on grievances

• Respecting the privacy of sessions by not pressing the child to share details

• Maintaining consistent routines and showing up for scheduled sessions

• Keeping adult conflict out of the child’s hearing and away from the therapy space

• Seeking personal support from trusted friends, family, or professionals instead of placing that burden on the child

These choices give children permission to feel safe and supported. They communicate, “Your healing matters more than our conflict.”

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A Call to Parents

When parents make the choice to drop the rope, children feel the difference. They are no longer pulled between competing sides, which allows the learning brain to stay on and the vigilant brain to take a rest. They are free to lean into the safety of therapy and begin to heal.

Children need both parents because both are part of who they are. When parents focus on connection and safety instead of conflict, children gain the stability they need to move forward with resilience and hope.

If you are a parent walking this journey, you can begin today. Drop the rope. Give your child the gift of safety and connection.

Recognizing Fight or Flight - When Big Behaviors Are Really Survival Responses

Ever asked your child, “What were you thinking?” and gotten a blank stare in return? That's your adult bias kicking in. We often assume that the adolescent brain functions much like the adult brain, but that's actually far from the truth. 

Kids are not logical or rational, and there's a good reason for that. The prefrontal cortex (responsible for higher-level thinking) is still under construction well into a person’s twenties. We often call this the "upstairs brain". 

It's important to know that the upstairs brain is not the same thing as IQ. Even the most gifted kids still have an upstairs brain that develops along the same timeline as everyone else’s. No matter how bright a child is, the part of the brain that handles impulse control, long-term planning, and emotional regulation matures slowly and follows the same basic process in all humans.

The "downstairs brain" develops first, and that's where the amygdala can be found... scanning for safety and ready to sound the alarm at any given moment. This is the real reason why kids live in their feelings. It's also why yelling, shutting down, running away, or people pleasing are not calculated choices. They are survival responses from the nervous system.

The Upstairs Brain vs. the Downstairs Brain

The upstairs brain is responsible for learning, problem-solving, and reasoning. When the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, senses danger... whether real or perceived, it flips the switch to the downstairs brain.

Think of it like a fire alarm. The brain screams, “Safety first!” and shuts down higher-level thinking. That is why kids can't always “use their words” or “calm down” without help. Their upstairs brain is offline until the nervous system feels safe again.

The Four Survival Responses in Kids

Fight

Looks like: yelling, hitting, throwing, talking back, defiance.

What’s happening: adrenaline surges, preparing to fight the danger.

Reframe: Not disrespect, but the body saying, “I need control to feel safe.”

Flight

Looks like: running away, hiding, avoiding, refusing to participate.

What’s happening: the brain screams, “Get out of here!”

Reframe: Avoidance is anxiety’s way of saying “This feels too big, too loud, or too much.”

Freeze

Looks like: zoning out, refusing to respond, going blank, seeming stuck.

What’s happening: the nervous system plays dead, hoping the threat passes.

Reframe: Not laziness, but survival: “If I do nothing, maybe it will stop.”

Fawn

Looks like: people pleasing, apologizing, saying yes when they mean no, masking emotions.

What’s happening: the nervous system seeks safety by avoiding conflict.

Reframe: What looks like compliance is really fear: “If I keep the peace, I will be safe.”

How This Shows Up in Anxious and Neurodiverse Kids

• For kids with anxiety, ADHD, or autism, the danger alarm is extra sensitive. It goes off more often, more loudly, and stays activated longer.
• Anxious kids often lean on flight or fawn to avoid overwhelming situations.
• Kids with ADHD may flip into fight or flight when transitions, shame, or sensory overload pile up.
• Autistic kids may freeze or fight when sudden change or sensory overwhelm feels unbearable.

Seen through this lens, these behaviors are not problems to fix. They are nervous systems doing exactly what they were built to do... protect.

Helping Kids Find Their Way Back Upstairs

• When the downstairs brain takes over, logic is offline. 
• Lead with safety. Your calm presence quiets the alarm system.
• Reflect feelings and keep it simple. "You're overwhelmed" is more effective than "I can see that you're having big feelings right now, and I'm wondering if this is too much for you."
• Connection before correction. Use a gentle tone, neutral expression, grounding touch (if welcomed), and empathy to bring the upstairs brain back online.
• Scaffold during calm moments. Coping tools only work when practiced outside of survival mode. 
• Reduce false alarms. Predictability, choices, and routines help sensitive nervous systems feel safe.

Delight in This

Fight or flight mode is not just a survival response. It's also an invitation. When your child reacts this way, their nervous system is telling you, “I trust you enough to show you my rawest self.” That is a doorway to connection.

It's an opportunity to show your child that you can handle their bigness, their fears, and their intensity. When you respond with calm and compassion, you teach them something their developing upstairs brain cannot yet grasp, that safety and love are stronger than any alarm their downstairs brain can sound.

Scaffolding for Success - The Power of Prevention

Parents often come to me with questions about limit setting, and I recently realized that I always reply with, "Before we get to that, we need to talk about how you could have scaffolded that moment for success." 

Without scaffolding, parents often find themselves stuck in reactive parenting, addressing big feelings after the storm has already arrived. With scaffolding, you prevent many of those storms before they even start.

Separation Anxiety - Scaffolding for Success

Understanding the Cycle:

Anxiety and avoidance often go hand in hand, especially in children. When a child feels anxious, their natural instinct may be to avoid whatever is causing that anxiety. For example, a child who is anxious about going to school might want to stay home or cling to a parent. 

Creating the Perfect Calm Down Kit

A calm down kit is a collection of sensory tools that help children shift from a dysregulated state back into a regulated one. It gives children choices and helps them learn which tools work best for their own unique nervous systems. Over time, children can build self-awareness and begin to regulate more independently.

The downstairs brain is responsible for basic survival functions like breathing, heart rate, and reacting to danger. When children feel overwhelmed, anxious, angry, or overstimulated, their downstairs brain takes over. This is the part of the brain that controls fight, flight, or freeze responses. During these moments, logic, reasoning, and problem-solving skills from the upstairs brain are temporarily offline.

The upstairs brain helps with thinking, planning, emotional regulation, and understanding consequences. But it only works well when a child is calm. When children are dysregulated, we need to help them feel safe and settled so that their upstairs brain can come back online. This is where a calm down kit comes in.

Connecting the Dots - The Intersection of Anxiety, Connection, and Regulation

For years, I’ve worked with parents who ask why their children are so anxious, reactive, or dysregulated. I often reply, “Our villages are so small now.” Families are doing more with less. Less support. Less downtime. Less meaningful connection. But lately, I’ve been sitting with a deeper question:

Are we raising kids whose brains are stuck in survival mode?