Understanding the Cycle:
Anxiety and avoidance often go hand in hand, especially in children. When a child feels anxious, their natural instinct may be to avoid whatever is causing that anxiety. For example, a child who is anxious about going to school might want to stay home or cling to a parent.
Why Does This Happen?
Avoidance can provide immediate relief from the uncomfortable feelings of anxiety, but it can also reinforce the anxiety over time. When a child avoids a situation that makes them anxious, they don't get the chance to learn that the situation might not be as scary as they think. This can make the anxiety stronger the next time they face the same situation.
How Can We Help?
One of the most effective ways to help a child overcome anxiety is to gently encourage them to face their fears in a supportive environment. This doesn't mean pushing them too hard or too fast; rather, it's about taking small steps together to build confidence and resilience. By gradually exposing a child to what they fear, they can learn that they can handle it, which reduces the power of the anxiety over time.
Recommended Books for Separation Anxiety
Here’s a list of books that can help parents and children have conversations about anxiety:
- The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn: A heartwarming story that reassures children they are loved, even when they are apart from their parents.
- Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney: A relatable tale about a young llama who is nervous about starting school but learns that school can be fun.
- The Invisible String by Patrice Karst: This book introduces the concept of an invisible string that connects us to our loved ones, no matter where they are.
- When I Miss You by Cornelia Maude Spelman: A gentle story that helps children understand and express their feelings when they miss someone they love.
- I Love You All Day Long by Francesca Rusackas: A comforting book that reassures children that their parent's love is with them throughout the day, even when they are apart.
- Owl Babies by Martin Waddell: A sweet story about three baby owls who worry when their mother is gone but learn that she always comes back.
- A Little Spot of Anxiety: A Story About Calming Your Worries by Diane Alber: This book offers practical strategies for children to manage anxiety and worries, with a focus on visualizing anxiety as a "spot" they can shrink.
- First Day Jitters by Julie Danneberg: A fun story that shows children that it's normal to feel nervous about the first day of school, and even adults get the jitters too.
- Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes: A story about a mouse who worries about everything, especially going to school, but learns that she can cope with her worries.
- How to Get Your Octopus to School by Becky Scharnhorst: A playful and humorous story that helps ease the fear of going to school by showing how even an octopus can face the day with a bit of help.
Extra Tips for Managing Separation Anxiety
Introduce Transitional Objects
What Are They? Transitional objects are items that provide comfort and a sense of security when a child is separated from a parent or caregiver. These can be anything from a favorite stuffed animal to a small trinket or even a piece of the parent's clothing. My favorite “transitional object” last year was a heart or smile drawn on the top of the hand with Sharpie marker. I’ve also seen necklaces, bracelets, and even scrunchies worn as a reminder of loved ones at home.
How to Use Them: Encourage your child to bring their transitional object to school or daycare. You can also personalize it by adding a small note or a spritz of your perfume to make it even more comforting.
Create a Goodbye Ritual
Use Positive Reinforcement
Why It Helps: Positive reinforcement boosts your child’s confidence and reinforces their ability to cope with separation.
Keep Goodbyes Short and Sweet
What to Do: When it’s time to say goodbye, keep it brief and positive. Lingering can increase anxiety, so it’s important to keep the farewell upbeat and reassuring.
Why It Helps: Short goodbyes reduce the opportunity for anxiety to build up, making the transition smoother.
Stay Calm and Confident
Why It Matters: Children often pick up on their parents' emotions. If you seem anxious or unsure, your child might mirror those feelings. Try to project calmness and confidence, even if you’re feeling a bit nervous yourself.
How to Do It: Take a deep breath, smile, and reassure your child that they’ll be okay and that you’ll be back soon.
Prepare with Visual Schedules
What to Do: Use a visual schedule or a simple chart to show your child what their day will look like, including when you’ll be leaving and when you’ll return.
Why It Helps: Visual schedules provide clarity and reduce uncertainty, helping your child feel more in control and less anxious about the day ahead.
Practice Breathing Exercises Together
How It Works: Teach your child simple deep breathing exercises to use when they feel anxious. Practice these together regularly (when you don’t need them) at home so they feel comfortable using them when needed.
Why It Helps: Breathing exercises can be a powerful tool for calming the body and mind, helping your child manage their anxiety in the moment.
Talk About Feelings
What to Do: Encourage your child to express their feelings about the separation and listen to them without judgment. Offer reassurance that it’s okay to feel nervous, and that many kids feel the same way. I absolutely love the character “Anxiety” from Inside Out 2 for normalizing both anxiety and coping skills.
Why It Helps: Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel understood and supported, which can reduce the intensity of their anxiety.
Scripts for Managing Separation Anxiety
Introducing Transitional Objects
"I’ve got something special for you to take to school. This will remind you of me. Whenever you miss me, you can hold it, and it’s like I’m giving you a big hug!"
"Here’s a piece of my scarf you can keep with you today. If you feel nervous, just give it a little squeeze and remember I’ll be thinking of you."
Creating a Goodbye Ritual
"Okay, it’s time for our special goodbye! Let’s do our handshake and then I’ll see you after school!"
"Before I go, let’s do our hug, high-five, and wave. Remember, after this, I’ll be back to pick you up!"
Using Positive Reinforcement
"You were so brave this morning! I’m really proud of how you said goodbye with a smile. Let’s do something fun together when I pick you up."
"I noticed you handled drop-off so well today. You’re getting really good at this! How about we celebrate with your favorite dinner tonight?"
Keeping Goodbyes Short and Sweet
"I love you! Have a great day, and I’ll see you after school. You’ve got this!"
"You’re going to have an amazing day! Quick hug, and I’ll be back before you know it."
Staying Calm and Confident
"I know it’s a little scary, but I’m confident you’re going to do great today. You’re so strong, and I’ll be here waiting for you after school."
"It’s okay to feel nervous, but remember, you’ve got this. I believe in you, and I’ll be back soon."
Preparing with Visual Schedules
"Let’s look at our schedule for today. See, after school, I’ll be right here to pick you up, and then we’ll go to the park!"
"Here’s what today looks like: first, you’ll have circle time, then lunch, and after that, I’ll come to get you. It’s going to be a great day!"
Practicing Breathing Exercises Together:
"If you start to feel a little nervous, let’s take a deep breath together. In through your nose, out through your mouth. We can do it together now, so you’re ready for later."
"Remember our breathing game? When you feel worried, you can do three big breaths like we practiced. It helps your body feel calm."
Talking About Feelings
"It’s okay to feel a bit nervous about school. Lots of kids feel the same way. Let’s talk about what’s making you feel that way."
"I know you might feel a little worried, but it’s normal to feel that way when something is new. We’ll take it one step at a time together."
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