Scaffolding for Success - The Power of Prevention

Parents often come to me with questions about limit setting, and I recently realized that I always reply with, "Before we get to that, we need to talk about how you could have scaffolded that moment for success." 

Without scaffolding, parents often find themselves stuck in reactive parenting, addressing big feelings after the storm has already arrived. With scaffolding, you prevent many of those storms before they even start.

5 Ways to Scaffold for Success

1. Prepare for Transitions

Transitions are tough because kids have to shift gears, and that's an "advanced skill" that comes with time. Neurodiversity can make transitions exponentially harder when you're up against challenges like time-blindness and hyperfocus. Some brains need reminders the day before, the morning before, an hour before, and ten minutes before a transition. Knowing what your child needs in advance and providing reminders both visually and verbally can be a game-changer!

2. Offer Choices

No matter the age, kids need opportunities to develop mastery in making choices. A happy side effect of choice-giving is that it also reduces power struggles. Start small with options you're both okay with, like which snack to eat or which game to play. Each safe choice helps your child build confidence, decision-making skills, and the self-regulation they’ll need for bigger challenges later on. 

3. Be Consistent

It’s tempting to bend the rules in the moment, whether out of empathy or fear of a meltdown, but kids actually feel more secure when parents follow through. That’s because consistency communicates love at the brain’s most basic level by creating a sense of safety. When parents are on the same page and routines are predictable, children can relax into that security. It lowers anxiety and reduces the need to test boundaries, which means fewer tantrums and meltdowns. 

4. Watch out for Unmet Needs

I joke that “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, & Tired” are the four horsemen of big feelings. It only takes one of them to send a kid crashing into the storm. Unmet needs lead to nervous system dysregulation, and parents often forget that a dysregulated child can’t reason, can’t problem-solve, and definitely can’t take in a lesson. Before jumping to discipline or correction, it helps to pause and ask: Is my child’s body or heart missing something basic right now? Meeting those needs first is often the easiest way to prevent dysregulation.

5. Build in Connection

Another thing I'm famous for saying is, "You’re going to spend the time regardless. So, do you want to slow down for a few proactive minutes of connection, or would you rather tame a tantrum or a meltdown?" When you pause to connect, even in rushed moments like getting out the door, you give your child the calm and steadiness they need to move forward without falling apart. A hug, eye contact, or a playful moment takes less time than a full-blown power struggle. Connection is the shortcut to cooperation. It prevents problems before they start and saves everyone time and stress.

Delight in This

Prevention does take time, and it won’t be perfect. You’ll try things, some will work, some won’t, and that’s okay. Every attempt at scaffolding is an investment in your child’s growth, even if it doesn’t go exactly as planned. With practice, these tools become second nature, and you’ll notice fewer battles and more cooperation. The best part? Every time you prevent a storm before it starts, you’re not just saving time, you’re building a relationship grounded in trust and safety.