Recognizing Fight or Flight - When Big Behaviors Are Really Survival Responses

Ever asked your child, “What were you thinking?” and gotten a blank stare in return? That's your adult bias kicking in. We often assume that the adolescent brain functions much like the adult brain, but that's actually far from the truth. 

Kids are not logical or rational, and there's a good reason for that. The prefrontal cortex (responsible for higher-level thinking) is still under construction well into a person’s twenties. We often call this the "upstairs brain". 

It's important to know that the upstairs brain is not the same thing as IQ. Even the most gifted kids still have an upstairs brain that develops along the same timeline as everyone else’s. No matter how bright a child is, the part of the brain that handles impulse control, long-term planning, and emotional regulation matures slowly and follows the same basic process in all humans.

The "downstairs brain" develops first, and that's where the amygdala can be found... scanning for safety and ready to sound the alarm at any given moment. This is the real reason why kids live in their feelings. It's also why yelling, shutting down, running away, or people pleasing are not calculated choices. They are survival responses from the nervous system.

The Upstairs Brain vs. the Downstairs Brain

The upstairs brain is responsible for learning, problem-solving, and reasoning. When the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, senses danger... whether real or perceived, it flips the switch to the downstairs brain.

Think of it like a fire alarm. The brain screams, “Safety first!” and shuts down higher-level thinking. That is why kids can't always “use their words” or “calm down” without help. Their upstairs brain is offline until the nervous system feels safe again.

The Four Survival Responses in Kids

Fight

Looks like: yelling, hitting, throwing, talking back, defiance.

What’s happening: adrenaline surges, preparing to fight the danger.

Reframe: Not disrespect, but the body saying, “I need control to feel safe.”

Flight

Looks like: running away, hiding, avoiding, refusing to participate.

What’s happening: the brain screams, “Get out of here!”

Reframe: Avoidance is anxiety’s way of saying “This feels too big, too loud, or too much.”

Freeze

Looks like: zoning out, refusing to respond, going blank, seeming stuck.

What’s happening: the nervous system plays dead, hoping the threat passes.

Reframe: Not laziness, but survival: “If I do nothing, maybe it will stop.”

Fawn

Looks like: people pleasing, apologizing, saying yes when they mean no, masking emotions.

What’s happening: the nervous system seeks safety by avoiding conflict.

Reframe: What looks like compliance is really fear: “If I keep the peace, I will be safe.”

How This Shows Up in Anxious and Neurodiverse Kids

• For kids with anxiety, ADHD, or autism, the danger alarm is extra sensitive. It goes off more often, more loudly, and stays activated longer.
• Anxious kids often lean on flight or fawn to avoid overwhelming situations.
• Kids with ADHD may flip into fight or flight when transitions, shame, or sensory overload pile up.
• Autistic kids may freeze or fight when sudden change or sensory overwhelm feels unbearable.

Seen through this lens, these behaviors are not problems to fix. They are nervous systems doing exactly what they were built to do... protect.

Helping Kids Find Their Way Back Upstairs

• When the downstairs brain takes over, logic is offline. 
• Lead with safety. Your calm presence quiets the alarm system.
• Reflect feelings and keep it simple. "You're overwhelmed" is more effective than "I can see that you're having big feelings right now, and I'm wondering if this is too much for you."
• Connection before correction. Use a gentle tone, neutral expression, grounding touch (if welcomed), and empathy to bring the upstairs brain back online.
• Scaffold during calm moments. Coping tools only work when practiced outside of survival mode. 
• Reduce false alarms. Predictability, choices, and routines help sensitive nervous systems feel safe.

Delight in This

Fight or flight mode is not just a survival response. It's also an invitation. When your child reacts this way, their nervous system is telling you, “I trust you enough to show you my rawest self.” That is a doorway to connection.

It's an opportunity to show your child that you can handle their bigness, their fears, and their intensity. When you respond with calm and compassion, you teach them something their developing upstairs brain cannot yet grasp, that safety and love are stronger than any alarm their downstairs brain can sound.