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When children are coached on what to say, pressed to share what happened in session, or caught in the middle of one parent’s concerns about the other, the healing space begins to feel like another battleground.
Child Centered Play Therapy is most effective when the focus stays on the child. In play, children show what their brains aren't ready to explain in words. Therapy becomes a protective factor because it offers safety, consistency, and freedom from the tug of parental conflict. For this to happen, parents must be willing to drop the rope and let therapy be a place of connection rather than competition.
What Helps Children Heal
Most of us know that the prefrontal cortex starts to develop around puberty and will continue growing into adulthood. Because of this, children will process their experiences differently from adults. They can't sit down and talk through their feelings. Instead, they use play to show what is happening inside. A therapist’s role is to be present, provide reflections that build an emotional vocabulary, and create a safe environment where a child's brain can turn off the alarms that get triggered by change and conflict.
Parents can strengthen this process by trusting that their child will bring what matters most into the playroom. There is no need to coach or guide them. Children naturally reveal their worries, fears, and hopes when they feel safe and unpressured.
Another important part of the healing process is consistency. Keeping regular sessions, showing up for parent meetings, and supporting therapy goals all create a sense of stability. Divorce is already a major change in a child’s life. The predictability of therapy can anchor them during this time.
What Gets in the Way
When therapy becomes another arena for conflict, children lose the sense of safety they need most. Common pitfalls include:
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Coaching a child about what to say or not say in session
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Asking a child to report what they talked about after the session
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Communication outside of parent meetings that influence the therapist's view of another parent
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Bringing long lists of grievances to parent meetings instead of focusing on treatment goals
These patterns increase pressure on the child and can make them feel torn between parents. Over time, the therapy space can start to feel like yet another place where they must choose sides.
Why Both Parents Matter
Even when parents have deep frustrations with one another, research consistently shows that children do best when they are able to maintain safe, meaningful relationships with both parents. Studies have found that children are more resilient when both parents remain involved and when ongoing conflict is kept to a minimum.
High conflict after divorce is linked to greater risks for anxiety, depression, and behavioral struggles. On the other hand, children with parents who cooperate and respect each other’s roles are more likely to thrive emotionally, socially, and academically.
This does not mean that parents must agree on everything. It means that children need to feel loved and supported by both, without being caught in the middle of the fight.
How Therapy Serves as a Protective Factor
Divorce itself can be traumatic for children. It involves loss, change, and uncertainty. What makes the impact worse is when the conflict continues. In these situations, the trauma does not end with the separation. It becomes chronic.
Child Centered Play Therapy can interrupt that cycle. In the playroom, children have the freedom to express sadness, fear, or loyalty conflicts without judgment. The therapist provides stability, consistency, and attunement. Through play, children release feelings they may not yet have words for and begin to rebuild a sense of safety.
For this to work, parents need to protect the therapy space from conflict. When they step back and trust the process, therapy becomes a buffer against the stress of divorce. It helps children adjust, find their voice, and strengthen their ability to cope.
Dropping the Rope in Everyday Life
Dropping the rope means choosing connection over conflict. Parents can practice this by:
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Trusting the therapist to guide the process and letting the child lead in play
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Supporting therapy goals during parent meetings rather than focusing on grievances
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Respecting the privacy of sessions by not pressing the child to share details
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Maintaining consistent routines and showing up for scheduled sessions
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Keeping adult conflict out of the child’s hearing and away from the therapy space
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Seeking personal support from trusted friends, family, or professionals instead of placing that burden on the child
These choices give children permission to feel safe and supported. They communicate, “Your healing matters more than our conflict.”
A Call to Parents
When parents make the choice to drop the rope, children feel the difference. They are no longer pulled between competing sides, which allows the learning brain to stay on and the vigilant brain to take a rest. They are free to lean into the safety of therapy and begin to heal.
Children need both parents because both are part of who they are. When parents focus on connection and safety instead of conflict, children gain the stability they need to move forward with resilience and hope.
If you are a parent walking this journey, you can begin today. Drop the rope. Give your child the gift of safety and connection.
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