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Think of it like a mirror. Every time you reflect your child’s feelings, qualities, and actions back to them, you are shaping how they see themselves. When you respond with encouragement and praise, that mirror tells them: You matter. You are capable. You are loved. When responses lean toward correction, criticism, or shame, a child begins to doubt their worth.
One of the biggest challenges to the co-creation of self-esteem today is that our villages are smaller and more spread out than ever. Many families live far from extended relatives. Communities are less connected than they were in the past. Teachers often carry the weight of large classrooms. Parents are balancing work, home, and endless responsibilities with little support. The quantity and quality of esteem-building reflections are impacted when so few people are trying to do so much.
Today in group, a parent asked, "What's the best thing we can do to help build our child's self-esteem, and how can we encourage family members and teachers to help us improve our child's self-esteem?" What a great question! Of course, as a play therapist, I replied with, "Well, Special Playtime is the single best thing you can do at home and that helps with self-esteem and more!" But we brainstormed some other ways to get the rest of the village involved.
How to Encourage Friends and Family to Support the Development of Self-Esteem
When you talk with grandparents, relatives, or friends, you can gently encourage them to:
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Notice the good. Remind them to name specific acts of kindness, persistence, or effort: “You kept trying when that was tricky.”
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Reflect feelings. Suggest that they mirror back emotions without judgment: “You're proud of your drawing,” or “That was disappointing.”
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Celebrate individuality. Invite them to point out unique qualities: “You have such a creative brain,” or “I love how curious you are.”
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Offer responsibility. Encourage them to trust your child with small tasks such as helping in the kitchen or caring for a pet. These opportunities say “I trust you.”
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Stay present. Remind them that even a few moments of undivided attention, with eye contact, listening, or play, show your child they are worth someone’s time.
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Model self-kindness. Let them know that when adults are gentle with themselves after mistakes, children learn to treat themselves with that same compassion.
What to Advocate for at School
You can also work with teachers and staff to support self-esteem in the classroom by asking them to:
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Encourage effort. Highlight persistence and progress rather than only praising outcomes.
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Use specific praise. Move beyond “good job” and instead name exactly what the child did well.
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Offer participation. Provide small classroom roles such as passing out papers or helping with supplies so the child feels included.
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Redirect privately. Give corrections quietly and respectfully so the child does not feel shamed in front of peers.
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Build connection moments. Use small gestures such as eye contact, a smile, or greeting a child by name to help them feel seen and valued.
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Celebrate individuality. Recognize different learning styles, personalities, and strengths as a normal and positive part of classroom culture.
Delight in This
It is an incredible honor to be part of how a child comes to see themselves. Each reflection you give them shapes the story they carry about who they are and what they are capable of. When we keep this in mind, it creates space for more of the gentle, encouraging interactions kids need. Especially kids who struggle, push boundaries, or face challenges, whose brains are asking the question: Am I good enough? Am I worthy?
Every moment of presence, every reflection of their strengths, every reminder that they are loved helps them answer yes. And in those yeses grows a confident sense of self.
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