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The Pressure to "Do Something"
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When you're first starting to practice the child-centered approach, one of the hardest moments is when your child hurts or upsets another child. You know that feeling... when you're on the playground, something major happens, and your child needs your help to co-regulate. You know precisely what you should do, yet you feel the cold, pregnant stare of the other parent as they wait for you to make your child apologize.
That parent has no idea that forced apologies don't help a child develop a sense of empathy. That parent doesn't understand that a dysregulated brain can't listen or communicate well. That parent doesn't know that your child's nervous system is in protection mode and that before they can take responsibility, they need to feel safe again.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!
Step One: Remember What Matters Most
Your job is not to manage another parent’s feelings. Your job is to help your child come back to calm.
Only then can you guide them toward understanding and repair. Remind yourself:
“I can’t teach until my child feels safe.”
A dysregulated brain cannot process lessons or empathy. Helping a child calm down is the first step toward genuine repair later.
Step Two: Stay Calm and Use Grounded Language
When emotions are high and someone is watching, a simple, steady phrase can signal both accountability and calm:
“I can see this was upsetting for both kids. I’m going to help my child calm their body first so we can talk about what happened.”
“Thank you for letting me know. I want to make sure my child’s ready to listen before we talk about it.”
These statements communicate responsibility and understanding. You’re showing that you take it seriously without rushing your child into an empty apology they don’t yet have the capacity to give.
Step Three: Regulate, Then Repair
Once your child’s body has settled, you can guide repair. Look for slower breathing, soft eyes, and a calm voice. You might gently say:
“You felt hurt when he skipped the line in front of you, and he's sad that you pushed him. What could you do to help him feel better?”
That could be a verbal apology, a drawing, or an invitation to play again. The important thing is that the repair comes from a place of regulation, not fear or shame.
Step Four: Advocate for the Approach
Later, if you sense tension or judgment from another parent, you can briefly explain your philosophy without sounding defensive:
“We’ve been learning that kids can’t really learn from a situation until they’re calm, so I focus on helping them regulate first.”
This helps normalize what you’re doing and models emotional literacy for the other parent, too. It’s amazing how often this leads to curiosity rather than criticism.
Step Five: Trust the Process
It’s uncomfortable at first, standing in that social pressure while you stay attuned to your child’s nervous system. But over time, other parents will start to notice that your child’s repairs are genuine. They'll begin to trust that your calm presence is doing something very powerful.
What your child will learn when connection comes before correction is that they can take responsibility from a place of understanding, not fear or coercion.
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