Recognizing Fight or Flight - When Big Behaviors Are Really Survival Responses

Ever asked your child, “What were you thinking?” and gotten a blank stare in return? That's your adult bias kicking in. We often assume that the adolescent brain functions much like the adult brain, but that's actually far from the truth. 

Kids are not logical or rational, and there's a good reason for that. The prefrontal cortex (responsible for higher-level thinking) is still under construction well into a person’s twenties. We often call this the "upstairs brain". 

It's important to know that the upstairs brain is not the same thing as IQ. Even the most gifted kids still have an upstairs brain that develops along the same timeline as everyone else’s. No matter how bright a child is, the part of the brain that handles impulse control, long-term planning, and emotional regulation matures slowly and follows the same basic process in all humans.

The "downstairs brain" develops first, and that's where the amygdala can be found... scanning for safety and ready to sound the alarm at any given moment. This is the real reason why kids live in their feelings. It's also why yelling, shutting down, running away, or people pleasing are not calculated choices. They are survival responses from the nervous system.

The Upstairs Brain vs. the Downstairs Brain

The upstairs brain is responsible for learning, problem-solving, and reasoning. When the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, senses danger... whether real or perceived, it flips the switch to the downstairs brain.

Think of it like a fire alarm. The brain screams, “Safety first!” and shuts down higher-level thinking. That is why kids can't always “use their words” or “calm down” without help. Their upstairs brain is offline until the nervous system feels safe again.

The Four Survival Responses in Kids

Fight

Looks like: yelling, hitting, throwing, talking back, defiance.

What’s happening: adrenaline surges, preparing to fight the danger.

Reframe: Not disrespect, but the body saying, “I need control to feel safe.”

Flight

Looks like: running away, hiding, avoiding, refusing to participate.

What’s happening: the brain screams, “Get out of here!”

Reframe: Avoidance is anxiety’s way of saying “This feels too big, too loud, or too much.”

Freeze

Looks like: zoning out, refusing to respond, going blank, seeming stuck.

What’s happening: the nervous system plays dead, hoping the threat passes.

Reframe: Not laziness, but survival: “If I do nothing, maybe it will stop.”

Fawn

Looks like: people pleasing, apologizing, saying yes when they mean no, masking emotions.

What’s happening: the nervous system seeks safety by avoiding conflict.

Reframe: What looks like compliance is really fear: “If I keep the peace, I will be safe.”

How This Shows Up in Anxious and Neurodiverse Kids

• For kids with anxiety, ADHD, or autism, the danger alarm is extra sensitive. It goes off more often, more loudly, and stays activated longer.
• Anxious kids often lean on flight or fawn to avoid overwhelming situations.
• Kids with ADHD may flip into fight or flight when transitions, shame, or sensory overload pile up.
• Autistic kids may freeze or fight when sudden change or sensory overwhelm feels unbearable.

Seen through this lens, these behaviors are not problems to fix. They are nervous systems doing exactly what they were built to do... protect.

Helping Kids Find Their Way Back Upstairs

• When the downstairs brain takes over, logic is offline. 
• Lead with safety. Your calm presence quiets the alarm system.
• Reflect feelings and keep it simple. "You're overwhelmed" is more effective than "I can see that you're having big feelings right now, and I'm wondering if this is too much for you."
• Connection before correction. Use a gentle tone, neutral expression, grounding touch (if welcomed), and empathy to bring the upstairs brain back online.
• Scaffold during calm moments. Coping tools only work when practiced outside of survival mode. 
• Reduce false alarms. Predictability, choices, and routines help sensitive nervous systems feel safe.

Delight in This

Fight or flight mode is not just a survival response. It's also an invitation. When your child reacts this way, their nervous system is telling you, “I trust you enough to show you my rawest self.” That is a doorway to connection.

It's an opportunity to show your child that you can handle their bigness, their fears, and their intensity. When you respond with calm and compassion, you teach them something their developing upstairs brain cannot yet grasp, that safety and love are stronger than any alarm their downstairs brain can sound.

Scaffolding for Success - The Power of Prevention

Parents often come to me with questions about limit setting, and I recently realized that I always reply with, "Before we get to that, we need to talk about how you could have scaffolded that moment for success." 

Without scaffolding, parents often find themselves stuck in reactive parenting, addressing big feelings after the storm has already arrived. With scaffolding, you prevent many of those storms before they even start.

Separation Anxiety - Scaffolding for Success

Understanding the Cycle:

Anxiety and avoidance often go hand in hand, especially in children. When a child feels anxious, their natural instinct may be to avoid whatever is causing that anxiety. For example, a child who is anxious about going to school might want to stay home or cling to a parent. 

Creating the Perfect Calm Down Kit

A calm down kit is a collection of sensory tools that help children shift from a dysregulated state back into a regulated one. It gives children choices and helps them learn which tools work best for their own unique nervous systems. Over time, children can build self-awareness and begin to regulate more independently.

The downstairs brain is responsible for basic survival functions like breathing, heart rate, and reacting to danger. When children feel overwhelmed, anxious, angry, or overstimulated, their downstairs brain takes over. This is the part of the brain that controls fight, flight, or freeze responses. During these moments, logic, reasoning, and problem-solving skills from the upstairs brain are temporarily offline.

The upstairs brain helps with thinking, planning, emotional regulation, and understanding consequences. But it only works well when a child is calm. When children are dysregulated, we need to help them feel safe and settled so that their upstairs brain can come back online. This is where a calm down kit comes in.

Connecting the Dots - The Intersection of Anxiety, Connection, and Regulation

For years, I’ve worked with parents who ask why their children are so anxious, reactive, or dysregulated. I often reply, “Our villages are so small now.” Families are doing more with less. Less support. Less downtime. Less meaningful connection. But lately, I’ve been sitting with a deeper question:

Are we raising kids whose brains are stuck in survival mode?

Anger is a Sword and a Shield - Reflective Responding when Kids Feel Hurt or Rejected

Anger is a tricky emotion. Just like all emotions, it is felt first in the body... stronger and more painfully in some kids than others. It's a mask that presents with strength when the heart is feeling hurt or vulnerable. 

Anger is an emotion that doesn't happen in isolation. It's an emotion that signals a perceived threat to connection, and therefore to safety and regulation. As a shield, anger says, "I need to protect myself because that HURT."

When used as a sword, anger says, "Back off. I'll do whatever it takes to prevent further harm," and this often leads to correction and punishment. Child-centered parents might apply the framework correctly, reflecting, "You're mad, and I'm not for throwing toys at. You can choose to show me how mad you are..." But addressing the anger only leads to repeated offenses. 

When you reflect the feeling beneath the anger and validate that the pain is real, you're communicating that it's safe to put down the sword, and this is the first step toward progress.

The Fairness Trap - Sibling Edition

Many children get caught up in the idea of fairness, especially when it comes to siblings. They might say, “That’s not fair!” when someone gets a longer turn, a bigger cookie, or a different consequence. But when a child is focused on things being exactly equal, it’s usually because they’re trying to create a sense of safety, predictability, and control. It’s not just about the cookie, it’s about wanting to feel seen, valued, and treated with care.

Rupture & Repair - How Connection is the Cure

When one child has big needs… meltdowns, aggression, medical or mental health challenges, it affects the whole family. Parents often find themselves pulled in two or more directions, feeling like they are failing one child by focusing too much on another.

Several parents have asked me, "Does my other child need therapy too because of this?” The short answer is, YES, your other child will experience more ruptures in the parent-child relationship when a sibling needs more attention AND the cure is much closer to home. 

Here’s the good news! Research shows that rupture itself is not harmful. What matters is the repair. When a parent responds to ruptures with empathy and connection, it restores safety and models resilience. Even better, the cycle of rupture and repair is what truly builds empathy. Children don’t need perfection. They just need you.

Truth Builds Trust - Family Conversations about Mental Health

When one family member is struggling and another is watching from the sidelines, some parents choose to keep things quiet. They may shy away from sharing a diagnosis in fear that their child will feel labeled, ashamed, or different.

Here’s the thing… kids already know when something is up, and when we don’t give them a story that makes sense, they’ll make one up. The ability to reflect on cause-and-effect relationships comes with the development of the prefrontal cortex, which doesn’t fully develop until adolescence. Until then, the internal narrative tends to skew bigger, badder, and scarier than the actual truth.