The Fairness Trap - Sibling Edition

Many children get caught up in the idea of fairness, especially when it comes to siblings. They might say, “That’s not fair!” when someone gets a longer turn, a bigger cookie, or a different consequence. But when a child is focused on things being exactly equal, it’s usually because they’re trying to create a sense of safety, predictability, and control. It’s not just about the cookie, it’s about wanting to feel seen, valued, and treated with care.

Navigating the Fairness Trap

The best way to begin is with empathy. Reflect the feeling before trying to explain it away. For example, you might say:

“It feels unfair that your brother got to stay up later. That really bothered you.” 

When children feel heard, they’re more open to perspective-taking and problem-solving.

Once you’ve reflected the feeling, you can gently introduce the idea that fair doesn’t always mean equal. Try something like:

“Fair means everyone gets what they need, not that everyone gets the same.”

“You’re learning different things than your sister right now, so sometimes the rules or consequences are different.”

Children often understand fairness better when we connect it to things they already know:

“Your rain boots are different from your sister’s because your feet are a different size. That’s not unfair, it’s just what works for each of you.”

“If one person has a cold, they need medicine and rest. If another person is healthy, they don’t need those things.”

When a child gets stuck on what someone else got, gently shift their focus to what they can control. You might say:

“You can’t choose what your sibling gets, but you can choose what we do together right now.”

“It’s hard when things don’t feel fair. What would help you feel better in this moment?”

Delight in This:

You can also talk about fairness outside of conflict by reading books, telling stories, or making up characters who have different strengths and needs, but who all belong and matter.

“Not everyone in the superhero team has the same powers, but they all play an important role. That’s like our family too.”