Rupture & Repair - How Connection is the Cure

When one child has big needs… meltdowns, aggression, medical or mental health challenges, it affects the whole family. Parents often find themselves pulled in two or more directions, feeling like they are failing one child by focusing too much on another.

Several parents have asked me, "Does my other child need therapy too because of this?” The short answer is, YES, your other child will experience more ruptures in the parent-child relationship when a sibling needs more attention AND the cure is much closer to home. 

Here’s the good news! Research shows that rupture itself is not harmful. What matters is the repair. When a parent responds to ruptures with empathy and connection, it restores safety and models resilience. Even better, the cycle of rupture and repair is what truly builds empathy. Children don’t need perfection. They just need you.

Reflective Responding for Attachment Ruptures

When a child feels overlooked or impacted by a sibling’s needs, those moments can quietly rupture connection. Reflective responding helps restore safety and lets the child know their experience matters. 

Here are some scripts for responding to common ruptures caused by sibling struggles:

Interrupted or ignored during a sibling’s meltdown

"You were disappointed when I had to walk away. I bet you were really excited to show me that."

"You needed my attention and I wasn’t available. That was frustrating."

Watching a sibling get more support or flexibility

"Sometimes it seems like your brother gets more help. You wish things were more fair."

"I know you try really hard not to make things harder. I see that."

Being asked to be understanding too often

"You needed me too today. It felt like I kept asking you to wait."

"You’ve been holding a lot inside. That can feel really heavy."

Trying to help but being rejected or overlooked

"You were trying to help. That was really thoughtful."

"You were hoping we could all just have a calm day together."

Being dismissed when trying to talk

"You were trying to talk to me. I missed it. That might have felt like I was not listening."

"That was hard to bring up. You were really brave to try."

Feeling unsafe during a sibling’s meltdown

"It was loud and scary. You did not feel safe."

"You should not have to worry about being hurt. I am working on keeping you safe."

Sensing the parent is emotionally unavailable

"You’re really good at noticing when I’m not myself. I think you were wishing I could be more present."

"You looked worried earlier. Maybe it was hard not knowing what was going on."

Acting out or shutting down after repeated missed moments

"Sometimes when things feel unfair, it is easier to act mad than sad. I wonder if there was some sadness under that anger."

"I think you were needing me to see how hard this has been. I am here now."

Delight in This: 

Attachment theorists agree that rupture and repair, not perfection, are what build secure relationships. The goal is not to avoid every meltdown or hard moment. It is to come back after, with presence and care.

When something goes wrong and you return with empathy, your child learns that relationships can endure hard things. That love is steady. That connection can be rebuilt.