Big Behaviors, Allostatic Load, & Capacity

Much of my clinical research this year has focused on the cost of neurodivergence and what it takes to truly regulate. One of the most powerful concepts I've explored is the relationship between allostatic load and capacity. Understanding these concepts has really helped me reframe what my kids are communicating through their behavior. My goal is to help you do the same.

The Invisible Bucket

Our nervous systems are constantly adapting to stress. This process is called allostasis. When stress is frequent or prolonged, the cumulative wear and tear is called allostatic load. When allostatic load gets too high, we become more vulnerable to burnout, anxiety, depression, and physical illness. All while losing access to the very skills we need to manage life's challenges.

Here's my bucket metaphor:

Imagine we all carry a bucket that collects the stress and energy spent navigating life's challenges. Some challenges are just a drop in the bucket and others can come with a flood! Sensory needs, distractions, anxiety, unexpected changes, or masking can all require enormous effort that increases allostatic load. Not only is the bucket invisible, but the amount of energy each challenge requires is invisible too! You might successfully navigate every challenge and still end up with an overflowing bucket. The water represents the cost of managing the challenge, not whether you've succeeded or failed.

And we don't necessarily wake up with empty buckets. Poor sleep, illness, anxiety, medication changes, and yesterday's unresolved stress can mean we start the day with a bucket that's already half full.

Think of the space left in the bucket as your child's capacity for handling whatever comes next. Capacity, like water in a bucket, is fluid! The more your child is carrying, the less room they have for another challenge. And because that water level is always changing, so is their capacity! Something that felt easy yesterday might feel impossible today, even though it's the very same child with the very same skills.

Restraint Collapse at Home

For neurodivergent children, everyday experiences can require extraordinary effort and this brings us to an important distinction:

Capacity isn't just about what a child can do. It's about what it costs them to do it.

A child may successfully navigate an entire school day, but that success may come at an enormous cost.

Raise your hand if this is your child. The teacher says, "She's doing so great at school!" But when your child gets home they're irritable, demanding, inconsolable, and refusing to go to swim class. This is called restraint collapse. This kid has somehow managed to bring home more water than the bucket can even hold and is now in the only safe place to let all that excess come spilling out. AND may not have any words to describe what that feels like.

An important thing that I've recently learned is that masking doesn't only happen at school. Children who fear criticism, punishment, or disappointing others may work just as hard to suppress their distress at home. Sometimes the collapse happens at bedtime, during a weekend activity, or seemingly out of the blue. These kids are holding more water than their buckets can carry until they let it go in a huge flood. 

And the last drop isn't necessarily what filled the bucket.

Removing Roadblocks

But what about the kids who aren't holding it together at school? Some of my kids rely heavily on one parent for co-regulation, yet still have very little capacity for school, extracurricular activities, or everyday challenges. This can leave parents exhausted, create conflict between caregivers, and make progress or independence feel impossible.

Your child's capacity is a clue! 

When a child needs extraordinary amounts of co-regulation just to get through ordinary activities, chances are they're carrying a very high allostatic load. I tend to call this "crisis with a lowercase c". This is not stability and it's not sustainable for anyone. This is when we see kids freeze, panic, or have frequent meltdowns. Our instinct is to do more but you can't teach someone to swim when they're drowning. More interventions, more coping skills, more incentives, more consequences have nowhere to land when the bucket is already overflowing. 

This is when I start looking for roadblocks!

Neurodivergence is rarely singular and, unfortunately, I've seen clinicians miss stuff or get it wrong with striking regularity. Anxiety, depression, dyslexia, sensory processing differences, and OCD can nest so tightly under ADHD or autism that they go unrecognized. Giftedness and masking can also make autism harder to identify, while the compounding effects of AuDHD can contribute to higher allostatic load.

Sometimes identifying roadblocks requires a second opinion, comprehensive neuropsychological testing, academic assessments, or specialized evaluations of speech, hearing, vision, and sensory processing. 

Once we've identified the roadblocks, we can start removing them! That might mean using a 504 plan or IEP to make school more neurodivergent-friendly through sensory accommodations, predictable routines, reduced workload, movement breaks, or access to a trusted adult and a safe place to unmask. Occupational therapy can address sensory and regulation needs, while speech therapy can support social communication. Medication may help reduce the effort required to manage ADHD, anxiety, or other co-occurring conditions.

The goal isn't to remove every challenge from a child's life. It's to remove unnecessary barriers so they have more capacity left for learning, relationships, independence, and joy!

PDA Profiles and Reducing Demands

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), sometimes called a Persistent Drive for Autonomy, isn't an officially recognized diagnosis, but it describes a pattern of behaviors we often see in neurodivergent children. These kids can experience even ordinary expectations as overwhelming, responding with avoidance, resistance, panic, or a powerful need for control.

Now think about our bucket! When a child's capacity is already depleted, even the smallest request can feel like one demand too many. Avoidance can become a way to protect an overwhelmed nervous system, while controlling their environment can help make life feel more predictable and manageable. In other words, some of the behaviors we associate with PDA may be a sign that your child is compensating for high allostatic load and limited capacity.

There's a lot of popular advice about reducing demands, and sometimes that's exactly what an overwhelmed nervous system needs. But reducing demands shouldn't be the whole plan. It's a way to create breathing room while we figure out what's filling the bucket. The goal is to identify and remove unnecessary roadblocks, provide appropriate accommodations, and give children the support they need to build capacity.

Delight in this!

All Behavior is Communication. 

Kids don't always have the awareness, language, or capacity to tell us what's happening inside. Their behavior often communicates what their words cannot. Behavior is always a clue, and there's no such thing as a bad kid! What is your child's behavior telling you about their allostatic load and capacity?