Staying Child-Centered Under Pressure

The Pressure to "Do Something"

When you're first starting to practice the child-centered approach, one of the hardest moments is when your child hurts or upsets another child. You know that feeling... when you're on the playground, something major happens, and your child needs your help to co-regulate. You know precisely what you should do, yet you feel the cold, pregnant stare of the other parent as they wait for you to make your child apologize. 

That parent has no idea that forced apologies don't help a child develop a sense of empathy. That parent doesn't understand that a dysregulated brain can't listen or communicate well. That parent doesn't know that your child's nervous system is in protection mode and that before they can take responsibility, they need to feel safe again.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!

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Step One: Remember What Matters Most

Your job is not to manage another parent’s feelings. Your job is to help your child come back to calm.
Only then can you guide them toward understanding and repair. Remind yourself:

       “I can’t teach until my child feels safe.”

A dysregulated brain cannot process lessons or empathy. Helping a child calm down is the first step toward genuine repair later.

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Step Two: Stay Calm and Use Grounded Language

When emotions are high and someone is watching, a simple, steady phrase can signal both accountability and calm:

“I can see this was upsetting for both kids. I’m going to help my child calm their body first so we can talk about what happened.”

“Thank you for letting me know. I want to make sure my child’s ready to listen before we talk about it.”

These statements communicate responsibility and understanding. You’re showing that you take it seriously without rushing your child into an empty apology they don’t yet have the capacity to give.

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Step Three: Regulate, Then Repair

Once your child’s body has settled, you can guide repair. Look for slower breathing, soft eyes, and a calm voice. You might gently say:

“You felt hurt when he skipped the line in front of you, and he's sad that you pushed him.  What could you do to help him feel better?”

That could be a verbal apology, a drawing, or an invitation to play again. The important thing is that the repair comes from a place of regulation, not fear or shame.

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Step Four: Advocate for the Approach

Later, if you sense tension or judgment from another parent, you can briefly explain your philosophy without sounding defensive:

“We’ve been learning that kids can’t really learn from a situation until they’re calm, so I focus on helping them regulate first.”

This helps normalize what you’re doing and models emotional literacy for the other parent, too. It’s amazing how often this leads to curiosity rather than criticism.

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Step Five: Trust the Process

It’s uncomfortable at first, standing in that social pressure while you stay attuned to your child’s nervous system. But over time, other parents will start to notice that your child’s repairs are genuine. They'll begin to trust that your calm presence is doing something very powerful.

What your child will learn when connection comes before correction is that they can take responsibility from a place of understanding, not fear or coercion. 

Tiny Takeaways - The Power of "I choose"

One of my favorite tools is "I choose..." 

It’s simple and it works!

In the playroom, I will call a timeout if I need a break. Kids will often hear me say, "I'm an old lady, I choose to take a break and get a sip of water." This models healthy boundary-setting and lets them know that:

• Grownups have needs too 
• It’s okay to take care of yourself 
• Boundaries can sound kind and clear 

This is especially helpful for our kids who are sensitive to rejection!

Even better, invite your child to try it. When they’re struggling or stuck, you can offer:

• “You get to choose. Do you want to build with blocks or color?”
• “It’s okay to say, ‘I choose to play by myself right now.’”
• “If you don’t want a hug, you can say, ‘I choose a high-five instead.’”

It gives kids a sense of agency, helps them listen to their own voice, and is one of the basic building blocks of self-advocacy. 

Try this:

Practice using “I choose” to name small boundaries or preferences. Let your child hear you do it, then invite them to try it too!

Tiny Takeaways - Creating a Felt Sense of Love

One of the main principles of Child Centered Play Therapy is that kids are not rational, logical, or verbal. Kids live in their feelings! The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that handles language and big ideas, is still growing. That means when you say “I love you,” your child hears it, but the words don’t always sink in on their own.

What makes love real for kids is the everyday moments when they feel safe, warm, and connected. You can help your child link those feelings to the idea of being loved by naming them out loud:

• “You feel loved when I let you choose.”
• “You feel so loved when I tuck you in and sing your favorite song.”
• “You feel loved when I play Minecraft with you.”
• "You feel loved when I brush your hair."

Try it tonight: notice one small moment of connection and name it. Watch your child’s face as the feeling of love lands.

Let delight lead the way!

Co-Creating Self-Esteem

Kids are not born with self-esteem. Like language, self-esteem is co-created over time. It grows when a child's strengths, positive traits, and goodness are reflected back to them by the people in their lives. 

Think of it like a mirror. Every time you reflect your child’s feelings, qualities, and actions back to them, you are shaping how they see themselves. When you respond with encouragement and praise, that mirror tells them: You matter. You are capable. You are loved. When responses lean toward correction, criticism, or shame, a child begins to doubt their worth.

One of the biggest challenges to the co-creation of self-esteem today is that our villages are smaller and more spread out than ever. Many families live far from extended relatives. Communities are less connected than they were in the past. Teachers often carry the weight of large classrooms. Parents are balancing work, home, and endless responsibilities with little support. The quantity and quality of esteem-building reflections are impacted when so few people are trying to do so much.

Today in group, a parent asked, "What's the best thing we can do to help build our child's self-esteem, and how can we encourage family members and teachers to help us improve our child's self-esteem?" What a great question! Of course, as a play therapist, I replied with, "Well, Special Playtime is the single best thing you can do at home and that helps with self-esteem and more!" But we brainstormed some other ways to get the rest of the village involved. 

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How to Encourage Friends and Family to Support the Development of Self-Esteem

When you talk with grandparents, relatives, or friends, you can gently encourage them to:

• Notice the good. Remind them to name specific acts of kindness, persistence, or effort: “You kept trying when that was tricky.”

• Reflect feelings. Suggest that they mirror back emotions without judgment: “You're proud of your drawing,” or “That was disappointing.”

• Celebrate individuality. Invite them to point out unique qualities: “You have such a creative brain,” or “I love how curious you are.”

• Offer responsibility. Encourage them to trust your child with small tasks such as helping in the kitchen or caring for a pet. These opportunities say “I trust you.”

• Stay present. Remind them that even a few moments of undivided attention, with eye contact, listening, or play, show your child they are worth someone’s time.

• Model self-kindness. Let them know that when adults are gentle with themselves after mistakes, children learn to treat themselves with that same compassion.

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What to Advocate for at School

You can also work with teachers and staff to support self-esteem in the classroom by asking them to:

• Encourage effort. Highlight persistence and progress rather than only praising outcomes.

• Use specific praise. Move beyond “good job” and instead name exactly what the child did well.

• Offer participation. Provide small classroom roles such as passing out papers or helping with supplies so the child feels included.

• Redirect privately. Give corrections quietly and respectfully so the child does not feel shamed in front of peers.

• Build connection moments. Use small gestures such as eye contact, a smile, or greeting a child by name to help them feel seen and valued.

• Celebrate individuality. Recognize different learning styles, personalities, and strengths as a normal and positive part of classroom culture.

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Delight in This

It is an incredible honor to be part of how a child comes to see themselves. Each reflection you give them shapes the story they carry about who they are and what they are capable of. When we keep this in mind, it creates space for more of the gentle, encouraging interactions kids need. Especially kids who struggle, push boundaries, or face challenges, whose brains are asking the question: Am I good enough? Am I worthy?

Every moment of presence, every reflection of their strengths, every reminder that they are loved helps them answer yes. And in those yeses grows a confident sense of self.