For some kids, bedtime is not peaceful. It can feel like a battlefield of busy thoughts, restlessness, and big feelings. While many children fall asleep with ease, others struggle, and the reasons can be complex.

Why Some Brains Struggle at Night

Anxiety
Worries have a way of getting louder when the world is quiet. Kids may replay the day in their minds or imagine scary “what ifs.”
ADHD
Many ADHD brains are “night owls.” Their alertness peaks just as the rest of the world is winding down. ADHD also affects melatonin production, making it harder to fall asleep naturally.
Sensory Processing
Some kids are hyperaware of pajamas, sheets, noises, or light. What feels cozy to one child may feel unbearable to another.
Other Factors
Stress, trauma, and even certain medications can make sleep harder.

No matter the cause, learning how to calm down and fall asleep independently is one of the most important skills a child can build.

The Importance of Self-Soothing

Self-soothing means having tools to calm your body and mind without needing someone else to do it for you. When kids do not develop this skill early, it can be harder later to break habits like co-sleeping or needing a parent to stay in the room.

Infants and toddlers begin experimenting with self-soothing around 6 to 12 months with thumb sucking or holding a blanket. Preschoolers often test bedtime boundaries and may show new fears or resistance between ages 3 and 5. Elementary years, ages 5 to 10, are prime for learning independent sleep skills. By the time children reach 10 and beyond, habits like co-sleeping can be very hard to shift.

Parents can still help. Co-regulating with tools such as sitting with your child while guiding them through relaxation strategies is a powerful way to teach. The key is to make it intentional. The long-term goal is for your child to pick up those tools on their own and use them to self-regulate.

Helpful Tools for Co-Regulating

Meditation and Breathwork to Calm the Nervous System

Meditation doesn't have to be complicated. For kids, it often works best when it is playful, short, and guided.

Try these delightful approaches:

Breathing Buddies
Have your child lie down with a stuffed animal on their belly. As they breathe in and out, the animal goes for a "ride." This teaches deep belly breathing in a fun, visual way.
Five-Finger Breathing
Show your child how to trace their fingers slowly. Breathe in as they move up one finger, and out as they move down. It is a simple trick that gives them something to do while breathing deeply.
Guided Meditations
Look for meditations designed specifically for children. These can be found in books, flash cards, podcasts, or apps. Choose meditations that are short, gentle, and soothing, with calm voices and simple imagery.
Magic Color Breathing
Invite your child to imagine a calming color coming in with their breath, and a yucky or stressful color leaving as they breathe out. This visualization helps kids connect breath with emotional release.

Keep meditations short at first. Just two or three minutes is plenty. What matters most is building comfort and routine. Over time, these tools become part of their wind-down process.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This is a powerful tool for calming the body, especially when kids feel restless or wiggly at bedtime. Help your child focus on one part of their body at a time.

Be creative and engage as many senses as you can:

"Imagine you work in a lemonade factory. To squeeze the lemons, you have to use different parts of your body. Start with your hands and squeeze the lemons tight. Can you smell how fresh and yummy they are? Now use the inside of your elbows. Press them in like lemon smashers. Behind your knees, twist and squeeze like you're juicing with your legs. See how many different ways you can squeeze. Now the work is done, and it's time to relax. Let your whole body go soft like a lemon that’s been completely squished."
"Pretend your body is made of ice. Every part is frozen and tight. Squeeze your shoulders like they are blocks of ice. Clench your fists, freeze your legs, even your eyebrows. Hold it... frozen solid. Now the sun comes out. You are melting into a puddle. Let your body get soft and drippy. Your arms are puddles. Your legs are puddles. Your tummy is mushy and relaxed."
"What if you were a robot that got left out in the rain? You're all rusty and stuck. Let me see if I can get you moving again." Have your child resist as you try moving different body parts. "Looks like I'm going to have to get the oil can." Pretend to oil up your robot and encourage your kid to be super floppy now... "Oops, I used too much!"

These progressive body scans teach body awareness and help release hidden tension. It also gives your child something concrete to focus on when their thoughts feel scattered.

Changing the Channel

When anxious or intrusive thoughts pop up at bedtime, kids often feel stuck with them. Remind your child, "Bedtime is not a time for thinking about worries. It's a time to prepare your brain for sweet dreams." (You can set aside a brief time for that earlier in the day if necessary.) Teaching a child how to change the channel in their mind gives them a sense of control.

Try adding one of these to your bedtime routine:

"Pretend you have a remote control for your brain. Tell me about your favorite channels." You might need to give some examples of your own favorite channels, "I love the cooking channel, the Alaskan Cruise that we went on last year channel, and the Saturday morning cuddling in bed with you and Daddy channel."
Invite them to build a magical dream story together, like flying on a dragon or visiting a land made out of candy and treats. "What do you wish you could dream about tonight? Let's close our eyes and imagine it together."
Keep a happy memory jar by the bed and pull one out at bedtime. "Let's close our eyes and see how much we can remember about it. I loved how the sea smelled. The water was so warm, and the beach towels were so fluffy. It feels like I'm really there!"

The goal is to gently guide the brain toward safety and calm.

Best Practices for Sleep Hygiene

Healthy sleep habits are just as important as relaxation tools. A few essentials include:

Limit Screen Time
Try to avoid electronics 1–2 hours before bed. Blue light delays melatonin release and keeps the brain alert. Media with slow content (like a documentary) is better than dopamine-pumping games or fast-paced YouTube videos. Screens that are farther away (like the television) have less of a disruptive impact than screens that are up close (game consoles and tablets).
Consistent Routines
A predictable bedtime routine signals the body that it’s time to rest. Our neurodiverse kids thrive on predictability and routine. Don't underestimate the power of having a visual schedule to follow in the evening.
Comfortable Environment
Cool, dark, and quiet rooms help most kids settle. Weighted blankets, body socks, or white noise machines may support sensory-sensitive children. Note that the circadian rhythm begins with exposure to sunlight in the morning, which tells the brain that it's time to be alert and triggers the release of melatonin approximately 12 hours later. Folks in areas that don't get much sunlight might benefit from a wake-up or sunrise lamp, which can help mimic morning light and support the sleep–wake cycle.
Physical Activity
Daily movement that gets the heart pumping helps regulate sleep. But if it happens too close to bedtime, it might be overstimulating.

A Note on Melatonin

Melatonin has been a game changer for so many families. It's safe and effective for short-term use and can help with the transition into healthier sleep habits. Some kids (with ADHD, especially) may benefit from longer-term use. Always check with your pediatrician to see if melatonin would benefit your child.

Delight in This

Busy brains need intentional support at bedtime. By starting with co-regulation, introducing calming tools, and practicing healthy routines, you can help your child gradually master the skill of self-soothing. This is one of the best gifts you can give for a lifetime of restful sleep.

Parents often have kids start therapy after divorce with the best intentions. They want to ease the transition, protect their child, and give them a safe place to work through big feelings. However, even with the best of intentions, the conflict between parents can spill into the therapy process.

When children are coached on what to say, pressed to share what happened in session, or caught in the middle of one parent’s concerns about the other, the healing space begins to feel like another battleground.

Child Centered Play Therapy is most effective when the focus stays on the child. In play, children show what their brains aren't ready to explain in words. Therapy becomes a protective factor because it offers safety, consistency, and freedom from the tug of parental conflict. For this to happen, parents must be willing to drop the rope and let therapy be a place of connection rather than competition.

What Helps Children Heal

Most of us know that the prefrontal cortex starts to develop around puberty and will continue growing into adulthood. Because of this, children will process their experiences differently from adults. They can't sit down and talk through their feelings. Instead, they use play to show what is happening inside. A therapist’s role is to be present, provide reflections that build an emotional vocabulary, and create a safe environment where a child's brain can turn off the alarms that get triggered by change and conflict.

Parents can strengthen this process by trusting that their child will bring what matters most into the playroom. There is no need to coach or guide them. Children naturally reveal their worries, fears, and hopes when they feel safe and unpressured.

Another important part of the healing process is consistency. Keeping regular sessions, showing up for parent meetings, and supporting therapy goals all create a sense of stability. Divorce is already a major change in a child’s life. The predictability of therapy can anchor them during this time.

What Gets in the Way

When therapy becomes another arena for conflict, children lose the sense of safety they need most. Common pitfalls include:

Coaching a child about what to say or not say in session
Asking a child to report what they talked about after the session
Communication outside of parent meetings that influence the therapist's view of another parent
Bringing long lists of grievances to parent meetings instead of focusing on treatment goals

These patterns increase pressure on the child and can make them feel torn between parents. Over time, the therapy space can start to feel like yet another place where they must choose sides.

Why Both Parents Matter

Even when parents have deep frustrations with one another, research consistently shows that children do best when they are able to maintain safe, meaningful relationships with both parents. Studies have found that children are more resilient when both parents remain involved and when ongoing conflict is kept to a minimum.

High conflict after divorce is linked to greater risks for anxiety, depression, and behavioral struggles. On the other hand, children with parents who cooperate and respect each other’s roles are more likely to thrive emotionally, socially, and academically.

This does not mean that parents must agree on everything. It means that children need to feel loved and supported by both, without being caught in the middle of the fight.

How Therapy Serves as a Protective Factor

Divorce itself can be traumatic for children. It involves loss, change, and uncertainty. What makes the impact worse is when the conflict continues. In these situations, the trauma does not end with the separation. It becomes chronic.

Child Centered Play Therapy can interrupt that cycle. In the playroom, children have the freedom to express sadness, fear, or loyalty conflicts without judgment. The therapist provides stability, consistency, and attunement. Through play, children release feelings they may not yet have words for and begin to rebuild a sense of safety.

For this to work, parents need to protect the therapy space from conflict. When they step back and trust the process, therapy becomes a buffer against the stress of divorce. It helps children adjust, find their voice, and strengthen their ability to cope.

Dropping the Rope in Everyday Life

Dropping the rope means choosing connection over conflict. Parents can practice this by:

Trusting the therapist to guide the process and letting the child lead in play
Supporting therapy goals during parent meetings rather than focusing on grievances
Respecting the privacy of sessions by not pressing the child to share details
Maintaining consistent routines and showing up for scheduled sessions
Keeping adult conflict out of the child’s hearing and away from the therapy space
Seeking personal support from trusted friends, family, or professionals instead of placing that burden on the child

These choices give children permission to feel safe and supported. They communicate, “Your healing matters more than our conflict.”

A Call to Parents

When parents make the choice to drop the rope, children feel the difference. They are no longer pulled between competing sides, which allows the learning brain to stay on and the vigilant brain to take a rest. They are free to lean into the safety of therapy and begin to heal.

Children need both parents because both are part of who they are. When parents focus on connection and safety instead of conflict, children gain the stability they need to move forward with resilience and hope.

If you are a parent walking this journey, you can begin today. Drop the rope. Give your child the gift of safety and connection.

The Playground

Thursday, September 25, 2025

Busy Brains at Bedtime - Skills for Sleep Struggles